Everything that I will do must put my family first. This is my responsibility as someone who aims to act like a man rather than a child. Now, I don't think I will ever accept myself as a true man (a true man won't be talking about it so much - they simply just do), but I will continue making every attempt to act as a man must. This is the best that I can strive for.
My mother is in pain. I keep wishing for her pain to go away. I keep pushing away selfish thoughts. For every selfish thought, I hurt myself by hitting myself. I wish to take her pain away and take the pain unto myself.
I was not abused in childhood to behave this way. Of course, hitting myself is nuts. Nobody taught this to me but myself. A few light spankings in childhood is not enough to create such behavior. A severe self-loathing, however, is enough to do so. And I resent myself for who I am and have become. At my age, I should not be this way. It's embarrassing.
When I come out of my ridiculous irrationality, I will probably cease hitting myself. Hopefully the good parts will remain, wherein I continue to behave with family in mind first, and not think as selfishly as I tend to do. I want it become an innate part of my nature, as it should be for any true man.
I'm screwed up, I know this. And I know that I may not live up to my ideal of how a man should be; it seems to me that this ship has already long sailed. It doesn't mean that I won't stop trying. The best I can ever do is to give it my best to become better than I once was.
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