The end of an experiment in Altruism

in We Are Alive Tribe9 months ago (edited)

I bought my house and property in Dec 2020. I immediately saw there were a lot of things I was once able to do by myself that I can no longer accomplish.
Not by myself. So I have been on the lookout for helpers who I hoped would not break the bank.

This photo was taken about the time I met Josh and Lori, they were sitting outside Lowe's, and I stopped to comment on his hair of all things.


Our initial chat ranged in topic from music to his (supposed) skills and experiences.
She, at the time was working at Panera Bread right across the parking lot.
They were living in a tent behind Lowe's, they could only access their phones or internet when close to Lowe's or some other place they could log on to Wifi


I quickly lost touch with them since they never replied to any messages I sent, and I had no clear idea where their tent was located.
Then about 2 months ago, I saw them once more on foot around the Panera Bread store.
I circled around, by then she was in the restaurant in the restroom.
He and I spoke for about 30 minutes, me sitting in my car engine running, him standing outside talking.
His tale of woe went round and round. He said that since our initial meeting, he'd gotten a good job with a good wage, they had a rental in Dallas Ga, things were good.
Then he hurt his ankle at work. They said it was a sprain, he said it was worse, and couldn't work. They claimed that it was a sprain and not grounds for any workmans comp claim.
He said there is a lawsuit in the works.


In the meantime, she had beed forced to have her ENTIRE COLON removed (I saw the scar) so that she now only has a small intestine and poops frequently using a "J pouch", and yet she was now the only source of income, standing on street corners begging for change (signs like "Please Help, Hungry and Homeless")


Folks, I have BEEN homeless, and I KNOW the stories we tell people to generate sympathy and explain why we are where we are now and his story had all the classic hallmarks.
I gave him $20 cash (all I had at the time, I deliberately don't carry cash so I won't have to lie to beggars and say I don't have any money)... he asked me "what's this?" I said it was a gift.
I left and it was pretty much forgotten.
Until about 2 weeks ago when my phone rang, the ID said "Healthcare" so I answered.
It was Josh calling from his counselors office.
The counselor, having heard the story of our meeting in 2021 and then again recently, had told Josh that he really needed to get with me and follow up on working for me in exchange for a place to live out of the elements and cold.


Against my better judgement and the opinions of nearly ALL my friends, I agreed.
I went to pick them and nearly all their possessions up on Friday December 15th (I think). Everything they had required washing, including them.
I think she washed 10-15 loads of clothes in those first couple of days.

I gave them the use of my guestroom, that chair in the corner was stacked up with clean folded clothes this morning

The bottom open shelves were filled with socks etc, the top two small drawers were also filled with sock and things, that bottom drawer was full of her undies and socks

That old sewing machine had bags of clothes on top and in front, nearly everything was already packed.

All I had to do was finish packing, load it all into my car and take it back to their tent.


You see, there developed a pattern, them staying in bed every day until noon, staying up all night on their phones (now happily connected to my WIFI).
They did clean up my kitchen a couple of times after I'd cooked for us all, and he DID locate one of my missing property corner markers(He had Surveyors Experience)
During this period of time, they were always saying they had a SNAP card that had been lost and a replacement being mailed to his mother's house, but in the meantime I spend close to $200 on groceries and wine, that I shared with them.
The straw that broke the Camels Back happened last Thursday, when she said "I need to get up to my corner to get money to pay for our Health Insurance ($200)"
We had JUST that morning had the conversation that they needed to start using the bus because I had things I needed to do that didn't include providing Taxi service. They readily agreed that they could use the Cobb Bus Public Transit, but this announcement put a time stamp on it, so I said "well come on, let me take you up to your corner so you can get to it (12-1PM is the prime time for begging it seems)
It took him nearly 90 min to get dressed!!!!!!!!
I was LIVID, but help my temper, until he said (coming down from the tent with yet another container, which I thought was going to be empty so she could put her stuff in it, but which was FULL as he came down the hill) ... he said to me:

"Jerry, could you please change your tone with me?"

I blew up. I'm sorry but I'd had all I could stand.
"Joshua do you know just HOW MUCH of MY TIME is spent WAITING on YOU? Many times I walk past the door and see you standing in front of the mirror primping when we were needing to be on the road!!!"
He threw down the container he was carrying and went back up the hill, and that was the last I saw of either until I took their belongings back to them this afternoon.
It is supposed to be down to 29° again in the morning.

I feel sorry for them, I pray they can get themselves into a better mindset.
I've done what I could for them
My experiment with Altruism ended with them, maybe not for others, but for them it is done.

"End of the Experiment"

by
Jerry E Smith
©1-1-2024
Opening image from their profile, the rest taken with my cellphone



These .gifs were created for me by @coquiunlimited; many thanks


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You did way more than most folks would do! There is always a transition of 'relaxing' a bit upon getting real housing/safety (sounds like you know the stress of homelessness so you know what I mean there) but from what I can tell they were slacking!

Thank you @jacobpeacock , for understanding. In all this time, you are the only one to comment.
Perhaps many think I am grandstanding, "tooting my own horn", if so that was absolutely not my intent.

I failed to mention that I was recovering from Covid when I brought them here, still coughing and irritable, but I perservered and did my best to help them at a most difficult time, for me AND for them.
Thanks again.

I think that most folks (at least in this country) just prefer to ignore homelessness altogether.

They also tend to either ignore or shame folks that help them so go figure.

There is a really cool project in Asheville, NC called 'Beloved Asheville' and it is downright inspiring how they have approached the rise in homelessness in the area.

The Mayor of Atlanta has begun a project where shipping containers are being converted into housing for the homeless, in an effort to help prevent 'encampments' under bridges with the fires that have caused so much damage and heartache for the regular citizens just trying to get from one point to another.

That won't help here in Cobb County, unless it proves to be a resounding success.

I saw that the mayor was doing that there recently! Yeah, I think it is a pretty awesome initiative. Homelessness is a massive (and growing) problem all over the country.

It really sucks to see it all happening and while in the past the numbers were kept lower via incarcerating folks... the jails/prisons are now so over-crowded that they cannot continue that strategy.

Folks are also flocking to the southeast (for fairer weather) and as you may know the south just is not accustomed to so much homelessness.

What gets me, and is apparent now from my latest interaction, that so many simply would rather stand on street corners and beg rather than actually work for a paycheck.
These guys are counting on a lawsuit about his ankle to come through for them, rescue them as it were.
But if they get something significant by way of a settlement (just say $40K) how long will it be before they've spent their way through that?
When he hurt his ankle (He says) they had a rental house, a truck/van and had been making $15 per hour.
They apparently had not saved any money, they lost their rental, sold the vehicles and came back to their campsite where they have 3 street corners they share with other homeless people for begging.
Why hasn't she gone back to WORK at Panera?
They are so co-dependent is just isn't funny

I agree with plenty of that sentiment and you assuredly raise some good questions there about those particular folks.

Aside from those folks though, (who sound like they would rather be hustlers) the 'why do they not work' question is of course complex and folks seldom consider the factors of:

There are often no showers available... no support from friends or family... no one to watch their belongings while they work... and not having an address or actual phone number... makes things extremely difficult. Then of course there is a lack of public transportation which as you know is in short supply in many places even if it is available there in Cobb county.

Those are by no means justifications or anything and I am simply saying that the 'barriers' to employment are massive and often dismissed out of hand.

As I often tell folks: Go spend a month being truly homeless (destitute) and find out what it is really like.

I am not saying that to you per say (because as you stated you know the challenges involved) but honestly most folks are so far off the mark with their sentiments towards the un-housed that it is easier to de-humanize and/or dismiss them.

Yes, I do understand these barriers. These two use large sanitary wipes for personal hygenie, whole body (which of course does nothing for dirty hair, but they have access to several public bathrooms and could wash their hair and everything else for that matter in a sink, I've done that)
I don't know if there are other reasons (like why they left or were fired before) but the Panera Bread store is within 150 yds of their tent, she goes there several times a day to use the bathroom.

He truly does seem to be in pain when walking, and to my knowledge he lets her do the standing and begging, which doesn't say much to me about his make up.

After we had words that fateful day, he DID apologize and said:

All this was so stupid ....You deserved more respect than I gave to you. It's a very bad habit that I noticed in my 30's so I worked on my faults and thought I had over come this prideful, and selfish attitude. I just wanted you to understand I feel horrible and still you offer to help us.

Hey Jerry,

I enjoyed reading about your trials and tribulations with acts of altruism. There's a lot of parallels here with how I operate in altruistic ways as well, and have also adopted the "not carrying cash" at times thing so that I don't have to lie to beggars when it does not suit me to help. I like to help, but sometimes I just cannot afford to help others in monetary ways.

"Against my better judgement" is something I often recite after certain acts of helping others too.

It's hard to fathom that sometimes there isn't certain expectations that come from certain forms of helping. Perhaps there were some expectations attached to this help, but your loving nature is what prompted to you to help "against the better judgement", so it's important to remember that I would say. You help people because you're a loving man and have experienced many facets of life, and are able to see things in people that they may not have discovered about themselves on their journey yet.

It took him nearly 90 min to get dressed!!!!!!!!
I was LIVID, but help my temper, until he said (coming down from the tent with yet another container, which I thought was going to be empty so she could put her stuff in it, but which was FULL as he came down the hill) ... he said to me:
"Jerry, could you please change your tone with me?"

Sounds like a little bit of avoidance based thinking/behaving, being stuck in his head trying to overcome his fears.

My experiment with Altruism ended with them, maybe not for others, but for them it is done.

That is probably fair in this case. It's possible and probable that you helped them more than they can even see currently, and one day they may revisit this memory with a deep gratitude. I think your sacrifice was well worth it, even if it came as a bit of an expense to you. You learned some things from it, and hopefully they did as well.

about three days later, she'd had to go into the ER because of gout.

He responded to my text asking about her, at the end saying

All this was so stupid ....You deserved more respect than I gave to you. It's a very bad habit that I noticed in my 30's so I worked on my faults and thought I had over come this prideful, and selfish attitude. I just wanted you to understand I feel horrible and still you offer to help us. Well would tomorrow be ok (for them to come get their stuff) because of her being in the hospital. I hope its nothing to worry about......And Jerry Thank you...... Pls just let me know.....

So as you know, they didn't come get it all, I took it to them. I happened to be in a discount store yesterday, and saw "Ladies insulated fleece gloves" for about $5.
I already had their detergent and stinky dryer sheets that I'd forgotten, so I took that and the gloves to her yesterday.
She just happened to be coming down the hill as I drove up.
I told her "since you are the one standing out in the cold to support you both, I thought you could at least keep your hands warmer"
She seemed very appreciative
Thank you for commenting Jacob. @futuremind

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
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Thank you @ecency

You really have an amazing personality and I love the type of heart that you have by rendering kindness

Thank you so much

You did great work and a heart of gold helping them with the cash. Trust me they will treasure it beyond which you imagine

I dunno, I bet the cash is long gone, hopefully it WAS used to help pay for health insurance.
At least they have clean clothes for a while.
Thanks for commenting @precab

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Exactly what we see is that nowadays there are very few such people who care about others and thus help others and see their own happiness in their happiness.