Heartbeats in the Dark

in The Ink Well6 months ago

It was exactly around 1:00 am when Doris noticed her 12-year-old daughter, Emmanuella, coughing profusely. The sound of the cough was so heavy that it had cracks in it, like that of chronic tuberculosis.

The sound woke Doris from her sweet sleep, only to find Emmanuella lying on the floor instead of the bed, and fear gripped her instantly. She jumped off the bed, rushed to the light switch, and turned it on, only to behold blood staining everything, starting from Emmanuella's mouth, to the bed, and the floor she was lying on, flickering to the force of the cough.

"Jesus!" Doris screamed aloud, fear gripping her at the sight of her dying daughter on the floor. She grabbed her, and the body was lifeless, with the legs and hands just swinging.

Goosebumps took over her skin, and she shivered with tears streaming from her eyes. She was about to lose her only daughter in the middle of the night. She carried Emmanuella to the door, intending to rush her to the hospital. However, upon reaching the door, she remembered it was midnight, and there was no way she could find a car to transport them. She dropped Emmanuella there and rushed to a neighbor's door, who owned a car, and began banging on it.

She banged severely until Emmanuel, the neighbor, came out. "Please, Emma, your friend Emmanuella is dying. I need your help. Could you drive us to the hospital?" Doris rushed, kneeling down as soon as Emmanuel opened the door to check who was knocking.

Emmanuel, who had a soft spot for Emmanuella due to their shared name, checked the time on his phone and remained silent for a while before muttering, "It's very late now. I can't drive at this hour. It's risky."

Upon hearing that, Doris stopped her cry suddenly. The force of refusal paused her tears instantly, and she was shocked to hear that from Emmanuel. She got up from her knees, shifted back so he could see her well, for him to know it wasn't a prank. She was still trying to believe him when Emmanuel slowly closed the door and said, "Please make sure you save my girl. Goodnight."

She stood there, with thoughts of Emmanuel's sudden strange behavior swallowing her, almost forgetting she had a dying daughter to save. When sense returned from its slumber, tears rolled out like a rushing tap, and she rushed back to her door where she kept her daughter. Before her eyes, Emmanuella was totally lifeless, she wasn't coughing anymore, and she was only giving out half breath.

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At that moment, her whole bravery emerged. She carried Emmanuella on her back and began to run along the road with tears and cries. The road was so quiet that not even a flashlight of a vehicle was seen. As she was running, she kept praying to God in her heart for Him to keep her daughter and let her not die. She also wished it was daytime so she could get a vehicle or, at least, get to the roadside laboratory, but no, it was midnight, and those shops didn't work at night.

After about an hour of walking and running with her daughter on her back, she made it to the General Hospital. Upon seeing her rushing into the hall, the emergency unit was called, and she was rushed into Ward 3. Doris was panting heavily, shivering, and crying with tears all over her eyes.

"Madam, please chin up. She's going to be fine. She was still breathing when you brought her, and the doctor is working on her already," the female receptionist, who saw how she was shivering, felt concerned and went to her to comfort her.

It was as if the words activated her loud crying mood. She let out a loud cry, rolling on the floor while the lady softly pulled her up to the chair, cheering her up. "Why are you crying as if she's dead? Come on, your baby is fine, and in a few minutes, you'll see her walking out of that door and rushing to hug you."

The receptionist's words did magic to her. She was calm, though still crying, but not as noticeably and loud as before. She stayed put, with her eyes fixed on the doorway where patients were being taken. She waited for the doctor or her daughter to come, but nothing. She stayed on the spot until the dawn of the day.

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People began to come into the hall to meet their sick relatives, and as people trooped in, the memory of her encounter with Emmanuel came to her mind, and she kept shaking her head in regret for why she went to meet Emmanuel that night. She was still reflecting with her head bent in between her laps when she felt a hand on the back of her shoulder. She raised her head up to meet Emmanuel, her next-door neighbor, standing beside her.

"Hey hey hey, I know.... I'm sorry. How is she?" Emmanuel quickly put his hand on her shoulder in a bid to soften her boiling heart.

Anger pumped into her heart, her face squeezing tightly, and wanting to give him a blow.

"Doris, calm down. It's not the way you saw it last night. Please, how is she first?" Emmanuel continued.

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At this time, the people in the hall turned their eyes on them as if it were a movie. The receptionist saw the event from her corner and quickly walked out to the scene. "Hey, Mr., please, that woman went through a lot last night. Do you mind leaving her for now?"

"I know, I just want to know if Emmanuella, the girl that was rushed in last night, is okay." Emmanuel turned to the receptionist hoping to get a positive answer.

"Yeah, she's fine as of this morning."

"Oh, thank God!" Emmanuel sighed a big relief.

"Thank God, huh? After all you did last night?" Doris raised her voice and blasted him.

"Come on, chin up. She's fine, and that's all that matters for now. We'll settle whatever when we get home," Emmanuel faked a smile to soften the situation.

The receptionist noticed that maybe Emmanuel was the father of Emmanuella, like it was a family thing, so she peacefully walked back to her corner.
They were still there trying to settle their differences when the doctor walked in, and Doris rushed him, "Doctor, can I see her now, please?"

"Yeah, she's fine. Go to Ward 3, but please, do not make noise there," the doctor said, and Doris and Emmanuel walked off to the ward to see Emmanuella.

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It's a relief to read the end part. ☺️

Thank you sir.
!BBH

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Welcome. ☺️

Mothers are really important to our Kids life and growth, I love this story thank God she survived

You present a story about a mother's desperate plight to save her sick daughter who may be dying. She is unable to get a taxi, is rebuffed by the neighbour, and finally ends up carrying her daughter for an hour to the nearest hospital, where she is able to get medical attention and recover. You had a nice idea here with some good rises and falls in tension and hope, but needed to flesh out the story more. As it stands you leave us with too many questions unanswered. Why was it too risky for the neighbour to give them a lift? And why did he rebuff her so harshly when she begged for his help? How was it possible for the mother to carry her 12 year old limp daughter for an hour, while running and walking down the road? A lifeless body would have been a dead weight. This does not seem feasible. It is also unusual for a receptionist to be empowered to give updates on a patient or to be allowed to reveal personal information to someone (the neighbour) who is not identified as a family member. The story doesn't quite gel on all levels. We have no idea as to how the child got sick so quickly (TB usually develops over a few weeks with noticeable signs along the way) or how she recovered so quickly after being at death's door... And why would Doris allow the neighbour to visit her daughter with her after she had just finished chastising him in public for not helping them? These are some examples to give you an idea of the type of things you need to consider more carefully when you write. Stories have to be believable or you lose the reader. Something that would have elevated your story would have been if you had focused more of your story on the journey to the hospital. You could have showed the relationship between mother and daughter, the struggle, the pain, the hopes and fears, and really got the reader invested in the outcome. You want your reader to be cheering your MC on each step of the way.

Thank you for writing in The Ink Well.