At my age, I thought I’d be someone, but here I am, still at the same level as before. Nothing really changes, you know? It’s tiring, working until you're completely burned out. Sometimes you get so busy you’re pulling 16-hour days, or even longer, just to reach a target that isn’t even your own. Yeah, you get paid for it, but it’s nowhere near enough for what you give.
You give and give, but nothing seems to reward you enough. The reward is so little, it only takes a day to finish whatever work you did for the whole year. How crazy life has become. Sometimes I ask myself, is this even worth it?
But in the end, not doing anything means nothing will change or move, so without a choice, you keep moving. I've always wanted a family of my own, but I can't stand the thought of always being stuck at work, never seeing my future wife and kids. I’d just end up disappointing them in the end, and I'm sure if I ever do have a family, that’s exactly what would happen.
I imagine working all day and coming home at night to see a note from my wife: “Dinner’s in the fridge, dear. Just heat it up. Love you.” I’d heat up the food, wash the dishes, then go to the kids’ room to kiss them goodnight and say, “Daddy’s home,” but they wouldn’t reply—they’d be fast asleep.
Then I'd go to my bedroom, where my wife is asleep on one side of the bed, hugging a pillow, wishing it were me. I’d take a shower, brush my teeth, make sure I'm clean before bed, and then hug her to sleep.
The next day, my wife would wake up first, cooking for the kids, while I'm still asleep from exhaustion. I'll always be working late because that’s just how restaurant work is these days. Then, I’d wake up just to send the kids to school, come back, hug my wife, and fall back asleep to prepare for another workday. But in reality, I’d probably be too tired to wake up at all. I’d likely get up exactly an hour before work just to grab six or seven hours of sleep, heading back to work without seeing any of the kids or my wife. My life would be at work, not at home.
So how am I supposed to teach the kids about life, respect, love, growth? How am I supposed to play with them, to show love to my wife when every day she won’t even get to see me? I’d be there, but not really there. I can’t place that burden on them. It’d be a heavy sin for me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that’s how I raised a family.
So, giving up this dream isn’t easy. Giving up this dream means I’d never have a son or daughter who calls me "Daddy" and hugs me. I’d never have kids who want to be close to me, or watch them grow up, start a family of their own. I’d never have grandkids, never be the funny grandfather telling them dirty jokes and sarcastic quips.
Out of all the things I’ve failed in life, I think this is the biggest one—not being a proper father and husband. I've never been either, never been ready to be. That’s how life is today, sadly.
I hope no one else have the same curse as me. Take care and keep safe always good night everyone.
- Chasing Shadows By Caelum1infernum
Writing by me grammar fixed by ChatGPT pictures by ChatGPT edited with Canva by myself.
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