Sometimes I have thought that it would be healthy to have in school some courses on how to form a couple. In this way people would have the opportunity to confront different models before taking the step of uniting with someone.
And the fact is that in this subject, as in so many others, learning is not easy. In the first place, because our idea of a partner is formed by what we see around us, our model is our parents, they leave us a model, bad or good, which we will try to reproduce unconsciously.
In my culture, for example, the couple does not have much value. The great majority of families are made up of mothers and their children, fathers are of little importance, in many cases they are not there and when they are, they are limited to providing the material things that the home needs. Those families that can count on a loving, committed and responsible father are fortunate.
It took me a long time to understand the weight that this cultural model had on me and on my chances of forming a couple.
After a few failures in this relationship issue, I have learned a few things that may be useful to some of you.
A basic issue is to understand that the other person is a different person from you. Sometimes when we are in the process of falling in love we fall into the mistake of idealizing the other person. We begin to see only the things we like about them, the things that are compatible with our desires. Somehow we build an image in our own likeness.
Later, when we live together, we realize that in reality that person was not exactly like that, and then disappointments and frustrations may arise. But here it is necessary to make clear that the other person was perhaps always like that, those that we deceived ourselves were us when we wanted to see him/her as he/she was not.
It is also important to be clear that people do not change radically. If we can have some changes, we can learn to qualify our perceptions, and to be more understanding with the positions of others. But if you have fallen in love with someone who is reserved, who likes to share with few people, who loves to be at home. Don't expect that at some point you will totally change and become the king of the parties. That is hardly going to happen, because a reserved temperament is simply not going to turn into a party temperament.
This is a very important matter and one to which we must pay enough attention. Everyone is the way he/she is. In our eyes he/she will have virtues and questionable things. The important thing is to ask ourselves if we can live with the things we find questionable in the other person. If so, fine. If not, we have to rethink that choice. But please don't fool yourself into thinking that the other person over time will change in the ways you would like.
During my childhood long courtships were common, sometimes people would spend years as boyfriends and girlfriends before moving in together. This actually made a lot of sense because it is precisely in the dating time that we can get some indication of what the other person is like, and we can conclude whether their values and perspectives are compatible with our own.
In our days little time is devoted to courtship. A large number of people do not resist the rush of infatuation and move in with someone soon after meeting them, barely knowing who they are.
My recommendation is to take some time to get to know the other person. Try to spend as much time with them as possible before taking the step of moving in together. It is in everyday conversations, in walks, in sharing with friends, where the soul of the person is revealed. It is important to pay attention to how he/she expresses him/herself, to what he/she thinks about topics that may be important to us.
A long sharing can give us an idea of who we are going to join. And in the end it will be up to each of us to make a responsible decision as to whether what we have met is enough.
It may happen that in a conversation it is revealed that we have different positions on spiritual matters, one is a believer and the other an atheist. That in itself is not an insurmountable barrier for two people to agree on many other things. But each one of us must evaluate if we can deal with such a discrepancy, which can be very significant.
In any case, the only way to move forward in this matter of relationships is to try. If we know each other moderately well and know what we are looking for in joining someone we will have a better chance of things going well. Good luck with that.
I am publishing this post motivated by the initiative proposed by my friend @ericvancewalton, Memoir Monday, in its twenty-seven week. For more information click on the link.
Thank you for your time.
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