I was reading an article that in itself wasn't very interesting, but was about an idea that I hadn't thought too much about, though I have some experience with it.
Infidelity.
Financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is a negative money behavior, known as a money disorder, in which financial deceit is performed toward a romantic partner.
While I haven't experienced it in the extreme like people who have lost their life savings and homes to a partner who gambles or has a drug addiction, I have experienced it at a low-grade level. Small things, where a person would lie about the money they were spending and on what, or lie about the price of what they spent on an item, citing "discounted" far too often.
Discount is always a poor way to frame a purchase, because unless it is actually a needed item, whatever is spent, is an extra cost. Having said that, it is nice when a price comes down enough on a wanted item to consider buying it.
The problem in the relationship wasn't the amounts that were being spent, it was that it was being done in secret, and talked about in a way to deceive. In my opinion, it spoke to the person's ethics, and indicated a potentially larger problem in the future, though at that age, I didn't really pay much attention to our future together.
If we consider that "money" in some form is one of the most talked about topics between couples, and one of the most common sources of arguments and stress in the home, it is clear to see why financial infidelity can be such a problem. Whilst one is trying to manage household finances, the other is undermining the situation and not only making it harder, but also hiding the evidence so it isn't considered until it might be too late to do anything about it.
Have you ever experienced financial infidelity?
I was thinking about this in other ways also though. There is the obvious lying about spending and generating debts on hidden credit cards, but there might be other forms too. For instance, what if a person lies about their career aspirations, saying that they are trying to advance, trying to get a promotion or raise, but aren't actually putting in the effort to get there? Is that infidelity also?
When it comes to "cheating" financially, it speaks to security, which is about the future. Gambling away a nest egg, overspending on credit, impacts on future conditions, conditions that the other person might be relying upon. In the article, about 20% of people saw financial infidelity as worse than physical cheating.
This might be because while it is possible to walk away from someone for cheating, it isn't possible to walk away from the debt they have generated, or get back the money they have lost. That money might have taken decades to build, the house lost might have been generational, the debt accrued might take decades to pay off. The impact of being cheated on financially, could be devastating. And it will not only be the emotional impact of the relationship ending, but will also affect relationships to come, as a person saddled with debt and no assets, sets up challenges for a new relationship also.
I don't know how common financial deceit is in extreme cases, but I would suspect that in mild instances, it is relatively common. This might be where someone lies about the cost of the new shoes they bought, how much they spent at the hairdresser, or the cost of the new gadget they bought.
Is it a problem?
At a small scale, not really perhaps. But, when it becomes habitual, and if it is impacting on plans that the other person thought were part of the relationship, then for sure, it is an issue. If a relationship is built on trust, that trust has to cover everything that is important to the couple, and that includes home financials.
In my opinion, a relationship needs more than just trust to be successful. It has to be two people willing to work with each other toward a better life together. This includes many aspects, but there has to be the openness to help each other be the best version of themselves, and vice versa. Too often, the changes that people want the other to make isn't in the best interest of the person making the change, or the relationship, it is just to make life easier for the one demanding it. That is not a good reason to demand change in someone you care about.
In Finland, the extremes of financial infidelity are likely less common, because it is normal for a couple to keep their finances separate. For instance, my wife and I have separate accounts for our salaries, but a joint account for our mortgage repayments, that we both transfer into. We share costs in pretty much every way without there being a ledger of who is spending what, but large amounts and large credit debt can't be hidden away.
This is financially healthier in many respects, and it also makes it easier to walk away from a relationship. In my opinion, relationships are opt-in and no one should have to stay in a relationship they don't want to, because of financial considerations. Though, many do.
While it is not a risk as I have very little, I wouldn't want my wife to stay with me because she doesn't want to wear the financial impact, I want her to choose to be with me, because she sees value in me as a person.
I wish I was rich.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
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