Why am I alive ? How am I alive? Each time I escape deaths cold grip life becomes more surreal to me. A colorful mosaique behind a dense fog. Strangely death has become more real to me than life itself. Philosophical concepts, ambitions. Most of my life my soul was hellbound to its core. I spent so much time on developing values a very distinct codex because I had been afraid of the darkness within. Never in my life have I ever feared anything more than myself. I have accepted that there is destiny. It never was my destiny to be a gardener. It never was my purpose to heal. No matter how much we want it we will never be able to outrun ourselves. But why do I keep following my codex if life only turns out more and more absurd ? Perhaps I do have hope that something as dreamlike as life turns out to actually reward me if I keep faithful for long enough. The more cynical and probable assumption is that I just do it because they are what I became what I'm used to. My ambitions, hope, frustration, contentment, despair. My ambitions were more important to me than my mental health, more important than finding happiness they were essentially more important to me than my life itself. Now I can't stop wondering how I could strive as hard for something as meaningless as my Ego. I stopped thinking in absolutisms because. Death or rather conquering my fear of death allowed me to stop denying my most shameful moments, it helped to see how I made repetitive mistakes I blamed on the world, it allowed me to let go. Maybe the torturous continuation of degradations I call life had to happen. Maybe my life had to be in danger as often as it was from early childhood on. Considering how illogical it is that I still breathe I can't differently but to feel confused. I actually wonder how I deserved to live when so many lives of less fortunate beings were snuffed
out like a candle. At that point I can't differently but to be filled with gratitude, forgiveness and awe. God your ways are incomprensible even to the brightest of minds. I'm now faithful that everything that had happened to me in the past had to happen for me to become who I am supposed to be. Therefore it becomes time to let go of my past. I allowed my it to dictate my life for far too long. That my life started bitter doesn't mean it has to be a life sentence.
