I read you and my heart wrinkles in an impressive way. It's complicated and difficult, I understand you in a way because I lost my father pregnant with my first child (his first grandchild) and that Christmas was terrible at home, with my mother depressed and both of us not wanting anything. We didn't even travel to see the family.
But like everything, it is a process that you must live at your own pace and in your own way, rejoice in the beautiful memories she left you, in the smiles of your granddaughters in whom you will surely see something of your wife.
A hug from Argentina to Canada, but not through the pole, but via express route from South America, passing through Central America and perhaps, jumping the wall between Mexico and USA (because there was no time to get a visa).