It's been a while since I wrote about the update on my mental health and treatment. So many things happened meanwhile and I was not ready to talk about it. 2023 is almost ending and this post is going to be my last post of 2023 where I am going to write about my update, reflection, and lessons that I have learned. I traveled a lot even in December 2023, I went to explore 2 major cities in 2 different countries and I am glad I did that. Now I realize how important was it to get out of the room and to see another country, another city.
Before talking about the reasons behind the travel digests, I wanna write about my health update and psychology. Last I wrote that my EMDR didn't go well, in fact, the entire treatment process had brought more anxiety and depression just like an open wound. At one point, my EMDR therapist was forced to stop my EMDR because the process was bringing more anxiousness. I was unstable and overwhelmed, I even hurt myself. My case became serious and all of my doctors started working on my case once again together. They wanted to offer me something that I could tolerate because once again my past and all childhood traumas were spiraling inside me. Not only war traumas were affecting me which was PTSD but also there was more that I thought I forgot and moved on in life. I guess childhood traumas, abuse, and harassment never go away; when the wound was opened, they had come up all together.
So, I was like an abnormal person with an open wound walking and roaming around. People thought it weird seeing my attire when I was outside with my dog but I didn't care. After 2 weeks finally, my doctors figured out something for me and I didn't like it. They wanted to transfer me to an institution in another city where I had to stay for a couple of days to take intense therapy treatment. Because they think the treatment I need cannot be provided here. I disagreed completely and instantly said no after hearing about the plans and treatment process. I am not crazy, I am not an addict; just because I have a tendency to hurt myself or commit suicide doesn't mean I am completely mad, or insane. I had a choice and I chose to be where I am with my dog.
In my understanding, I understood that the institution is like a rehab where patients are being observed and receive treatment according to their mental state. I was not ready to migrate to a new location where I was not comfortable. My inner self didn't allow me to consent to the doctor's decision. I might be a psychological patient, but I am dealing with mental problems, and psychiatric issues that doesn't mean I am completely insane. I told my doctors I didn't want such intense psychological treatment.
My mind was full of sadness and I was feeling completely broken because of the decision and circumstances. Somehow I wanted to escape and without any further thought, I decided to travel somewhere with whatever money I had left. I was feeling suffocated because of all the obsessive thoughts and traumas, I felt left alone and was having sleepless nights. I guess that was one of the best decisions I took for myself. 2023 was a lot for me. I don't live in a warzone, I decided to leave and stay safe but when the survival period was over and when my mind started to realize what happened, my depression kicked in, my nightmares became alive and traumas started haunting me.
Just when I thought I was going to escape from my thoughts, my health condition became worse. I have a severe nerve system (neurological) (don't wanna write deeper) problem. It became so bad that I was not able to be exposed to the outside world. I had severe headaches and migraine problems and I was vomiting a lot because of the headache. I had to see my family doctor and she told me I had to visit a neurologist for further treatment and medication. You cannot even imagine how painful it is to bear such headaches and shoulder pain. My face had become swollen and I was taking a lot of painkillers; still now. But despite having such pain, I traveled because I was suffering from my mental health rather than a headache.
My life's suffering started in 2022 when the war in Ukraine broke out and still now till today I am suffering from long-term psychological problems and health issues. Sometimes I feel so surreal and overwhelmed thinking of the entire year. I really wish I could consider this entire timing as a long nightmare, a bad dream.
It's not like only bad things happened in my life, there were also so many positive facts happened. I visited Poland, went to Hivebeecon, attended Techex, met amazing Hivers, and visited amazing locations and Christmas markets. I received the necessary treatments so far, I was not left alone. I am aware that there are people who are dying in the war, dying every day, living in miserable conditions. I am grateful that I am not miserable, my situation could have been worse. I am not exaggerating my problems, I am not ungrateful; I am just in a different state where I am dealing with my own obsessive and intrusive uncontrollable mind.
Many people say to me that this war brought a lot of positivity in my life and opened a new opportunity for me. I wrote it in a very decent and naive way though but at some point, I felt like I should have stayed at Warzone. People, my relatives say very mean and unnecessary words to me that I cannot even tolerate. My travel journey or pictures doesn't define my personal life or personal problems. Like I said before, psychological problems cannot be seen until it's too late.
I started learning and educating myself on how to appreciate small things. I wanna thank some Hivers who helped me always and stayed by my side often. They listened and never let me feel alone, they supported me and comforted me whenever I needed. I never asked for sympathy and they knew it, they just helped me to think differently and to reshape my thoughts. I don't have family except for my younger sister, I am all alone but my Hive family never let me feel alone.
Last but not least, finally after 4 weeks/ a month, my doctors figured out what kind of treatment I needed. I was very open with them during our meeting and made them understand what I was looking for or expecting from them. I am an introverted person and I have so many secret traumas, and darkness. I need to grieve, I want to cry, I want to share and shout loud. I want someone to listen to my shit talk, my stories, and my pain so that I can cry out loud. I want to learn how to handle pain, and anxiety instead of hurting myself. Finally in January 2024; a new treatment plan will start and I hope this time it will go well.
Happy New Year Everyone...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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